Mah mowf!

You’d think after logging my 10,000 Malcolm Gladwell hours doing it I’d be better at drinking coffee.  Yesterday I burned the ever loving shit out of my mouth, though.

Here’s where I think I went wrong.  I had a warm cup of coffee that I wanted to reheat.  I also wanted to put a dollop of coconut oil into it cause, y’know, health.  This I did, setting the microwave for the standard 1:11.  While it was rotating around inside, I decided to just go ahead and make a new pot of coffee, so I took a tumbler cup and began filling it from the filtered water of the fridge, conveniently beside the microwave.  And because it’s a Samsung refrigerator this meant I was standing there filling that cup for the full 1:11.

(Hang on…. Open letter time:

Dear Samsung,

How come your water and ice outputs have to be so damn slow?  Other fridges just pump it on out, filling a cup with ice or water in seconds.  Why yours gotta be such a slow pissy trickle?

Your friend, who paid an inconvenient amount of money for this fridge, which has had to be repaired twice since its purchase,

–eric

The microwave dinged, I opened the door, pulled out my cup, saw a delicious looking skim of coconut oil on top, and took a deep pull on that mug in manner that might suggest I expected it to be a cold brew iced coffee.  And instantly I knew a horrible mistake had been made because my lips and mouth were on fire.

I made the split second decision to abandon my sipping plan and dumped my half mouthful of coffee right onto the kitchen floor.  Fortunately, I still had possession of the tall cup of cold fridge water, and I put it to my mouth and let its cooling touch caress my charred lips, tongue and gums.

I spent the rest of the day sucking on ice cubes and nursing my lips with antibacterial ointment and Burt’s Bees.  My sense of taste is still diminished, and it hurts to eat anything, but the inside of my mouth wasn’t burned too badly.

Beestung lips were a thing for a while.  How bout scalded, blistery lips?