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ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS HEARD DURING AWANA #48

(Setting, my church’s AWANA night, during snack time. Kids have been given Rice Crispy Treats. One kid I find sitting at the table, holding his leg up with his knee practically in his face, seemingly on the verge of tears, his Crispy Treat clutched in his hand.)

ME– What’s the matter?

KID– My legghuuurscauuuusAyeescraaaaapeitonnaflorinnajiiiiiim.

ME– You what?

KID– Myyy leg hurrrts where I scraaaped it on the floor in the gyyym.

ME– (Not wanting to give the injury any energy, hoping to head off a crying jag…) Oh, I’m sorry that happened. (BEAT) You should rub your Rice Crispy Treat on it to make it feel better.

(The momentum of the impending crying jag comes to a screeching halt and the kid looks hard at his Rice Crispy Treat. Then, as instructed, he rubs it on his knee, gives it a second, then seems satisfied by the healing properties of the puffed rice, butter, marshmallow and preservatives. All crying forgotten, he begins eating his knee-and-gym-floor-contaminated treat. I too am satisfied, but cast a nervous glance around the room to see if my act of unhygienic rice-based medicinal suggestion was witnessed by any of my germ-warry superiors. Sure enough, Martha and Joe, veteran class leaders, saw the whole thing. Martha is shaking her head, but smiling behind her hands while Joe is openly suppressing laughter. I count this as a triple win.)

ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS HEARD AT SOME OLD PEOPLE’S HOUSE #489

(SETTING: the Wife and I are sitting on the patio, drinking coffee and laughing about a nephew in his 30s who had just replied to a Facebook Messenger message from me three months after I sent it.)

THE WIFE— It’s because we’re still on Facebook. That’s where the old people hang out.

ME—We’re not on the Insta. We’re not down with the `Gram.

THE WIFE—I thought you were down with the `Gram?

ME— No, not me. I don’t have the `Gram.

THE WIFE—Ohhh, it’s Twitter that you’re always on.

ME— Mmm, not so much. I have a Twitter account, but I rarely use it for anything. Oops, sorry. I should say, “X (formerly known as Twitter).”

(Wife gives me a blank look.)

ME—You know… how they always have to say, “X (formerly known as Twitter)”?

(Wife gives me a blank look.)

ME—You are aware that they changed Twitter’s name, right? (Wife gives me a blank look.)

ME—Okay. Well, like, a year ago, Elon Musk changed Twitter’s name to the letter X. And he pulled the big blue Twitter bird off his building in San Francisco and put up a huge glowing X on the roof. And then all the neighbors sued him, because apparently no one sells blackout curtains thick enough to stop that many lumens. And now, whenever anyone in the media writes about someone posting something on Twitter, they have to say, “So and so posted this on X (formerly known as Twitter).”

THE WIFE—Uh huh.

ME—Last night, in a semi-dreaming state, I thought of something funny about it. I thought, “What if we just cut out the middle man and rename it TWIX?” But then I guess everyone would just have to write, “So and so posted on TWIX (formerly known as X, formerly known as Twitter).”

(Wife gives me a blank look.)

ME—There’s a joke in there somewhere, but I’m gonna have to workshop it a bit before I post it to Facebook. (Pause)

THE WIFE—You know you’re on Facebook too much when you dream of jokes to write on Facebook, right?

Horror 101 with Dr. AC film discussion: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT SERIES

Starting tonight at 7:30p (Eastern), I will be appearing as a talking head in another episode of Horror 101 with Dr. AC. This time we will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Blair Witch Project, and also discussing the arguably lesser Blair Witch sequels and sundry media.

This premieres tonight at 7:30 on the Horror 101 with Dr. AC YouTube channel. And check out my previous appearances on Horror 101 with Dr. AC HERE.

Upcoming Sightings of Eric in the Wild

Eric will be singing as part of the Greenbrier Valley Chorale in the upcoming staged concert of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame–a co-production with Greenbrier Valley Theatre and Carnegie Hall WV.

Eric will also be appearing as part of the Lewisburg Literary Festival (Aug 2-3, 2024) where he will be interviewing author David Baldacci on Saturday night.

Tickets for all events are free, but you do have to sign up in advance. Find out details at https://www.lewisburgliteraryfestival.com.

ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS HEARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AT MY HOUSE #773

(I have no memory of this, but evidently, in the wee hours, I reached over and hit my wife lightly in the arm. Twice.)

THE WIFE– (wakes up) Hey… why did you hit me?

ME– (Sort of waking up) Huh? I hit you??

THE WIFE– Yes. You just hit me. Twice.

ME– Oh, I’m sorry. I was trying to hit Alison.

(I went right back to sleep, and remember nothing at all about dreaming of hitting my sister. Seems on brand, though.)

A Celebration of Theatre MSU and Directing for Stage Class Play Festivals, 1995-2024.

I graduated in 1996 from Mississippi State University. While I was there, I did a good bit of theatre. While my major was Communications Journalism, for a while I was aiming for a minor in theatre. I pretty much had enough credits for it too, except for the fact that the required scene shop class was only taught during my daily air-shift at the college radio station, and I wasn’t about to give that up. Still, I took nearly every other theatre class available, and in 1995 took a class in directing for the stage. The instructor for the class, Dr. Jeffery Elwell, was also my advisor, and he’d asked me to take the class since it was on the edge of not having enough students to allow it to be taught. I signed right up.

The goal of the directing class was to not only for each student to learn how to direct for the stage, but also for each of us to direct a 10 minute play that would be part of a festival of short plays at the end of the class’s run. Students in the class would serve as tech for the festival, and fill in roles in each others plays that weren’t cast with outside students who had auditioned.

(Funny side story: A few weeks into the class’s run, Dr. Elwell began divvying up the various tech and producing responsibilities for the play festival. He assigned one of us to be a costumer, another to sound, another to lighting. And despite the fact that the assistant to the scene shop instructor was one of the directors in our class, he assigned me to be responsible for any construction or set-building that might be necessary.

“Uh, I don’t know how to do that,” I said.

“What do you mean you don’t know how to do that?” he asked.

“I mean, I’ve never taken the scene shop class. I wouldn’t know how to build a flat, a platform, or anything, really.”

Dr. Jeffery Elwell fixed me with a stern gaze and said, “Eric, the scene shop class is a pre-requisite for taking THIS class.”

I allowed a satisfying pause, then said, “Jeff… you’re my advisor.”

Dr. Elwell blinked at this, then reassigned me to running lights for a couple of the shows. (I didn’t know how to hang lights either, but didn’t need to to run the light board.)

The play I chose to direct was called “Wild Sweet William” by Indiana playwright Madge Dishman. It was a touching and funny story about dementia and how it changes family dynamics. The title character, William, has Alzheimer’s and his wife frequently bakes him birthday cakes, regardless of the time of year, simply because they’re a happy memory for him. At that point, none of my relatives had gone through anything similar, but for some reason I was drawn to that play. Now I’ve had more than a handful of relatives and in-laws who have suffered the condition, so maybe I knew something even then. As directors, we had to contact the playwrights to get their permission and arrange any royalty payments they required. Mrs. Dishman did me the solid of not charging me her usual rate, since this was a college production.

The play turned out pretty great, even for my first directing effort. It starred William Watkins (a friend from drama camp who I knew could play a 70 year old man with ease), Melanie Hintz (a fellow Theatre MSU actor who also did aged characters well), and Julie Rathwell (who was one of my sister’s good friends, and also Canadian, so I we had to train her to stop saying “aboot” and “eh” so much). My step-mother, Myra, a former theatre professional, even helped me with props by baking three birthday cakes, provided I iced them. It was a great learning experience all around and was the first of many shows I would go on to direct in the years since.

(Incidentally, I had one of my all time worst theatrical moments as part of that festival, but it was unrelated to the play I directed. I was asked to act in a play by Dr. Jeffery Elwell himself–the title of which eludes me. It was a good play–he’s a great playwright–but our director whose name I don’t want to mention, but it was Ryan Lamar, proved a bit fickle during rehearsals in that he very often didn’t show up for them. We dutifully memorized our lines, but figured the show would just be cancelled and Ryan given an incomplete. Instead, he decided to soldier on, so most of the directing of the show happened during dress-rehearsals. One key element of the play that was missing until opening night, however, was a camera tripod on which was to be strapped a film camera rigged to a pistol. The plot involved a crime scene photographer who decides to kill himself with said rig, so that the camera will take his last photograph as the gun goes off, presumably capturing it. Uplifting, no? But we never had the tripod or camera or gun to rehearse with, and I was the actor who was assigned to come out in the dark and set it up for the scene. On opening night, Ryan brought me, not a tri-pod, but a monopod atop which was the camera and gun. A monopod, for those who don’t know photography equipment, is just a stick with a screw hole on the top. A stick. Meant to be held in place by a photographer, not to be a free-standing entity on its own. Ryan then handed me a strip of duct tape and told me that, near the end of the play, I would need to go out in the blackout before the gun scene, strap this monopod to the leg of a desk using the duct tape, and be sure to point it in the correct direction, or the play would be ruined. No pressure, right? And no rehearsal. My first time doing it was during opening night. And it didn’t work at all. Even a little bit. I went out in the dark, bent down beside the desk, tried to strap the monopod to its leg, but the duct tape wound up folding over on itself, creating a decidedly non-sticky strip of half-width tape that could be affixed to nothing. There I sat, on the floor of the pitch black lab theatre, trying to figure out what to do next. I could just sit and hold it there, and they could bring up the lights, but I had no way to silently signal the lighting person to do so. At least a minute went by in this fashion, with me trying and retrying to unstick the tape with no success. My ultimate solution, which did work, was to use the long strip of non-sticky tape as a rope which I wrapped around the leg of the desk and tied in a knot, holding the monopod in place. I exited the stage, the lights came up and fortunately the camera and gun were facing the correct direction. Now, shit goes sideways in theatre all the time, and the show must go on, so I did the job I needed to do. But to say I was livid about it doesn’t really capture my fury at being forced into this unrehearsed scenario by our less-than-frequently-present director. I let him have it afterward and told him in no uncertain terms that he would have a monopod for the second performance, because this was some bullshit. Second night out? Monopod and tape, once again. Instead of throwing the fit I wanted to, though, I just pulled up my big boy pants and made sure the tape did not fold over on itself when I went back out in the dark. We got it done. I did get a bit of revenge on Ryan, but unfortunately it was accidental. During the play HE was acting in, which fell directly after Wild Sweet William, his character is supposed to enter the room of the apartment he once shared with an ex-wife to discover she’d taken everything including the light bulbs. I was the guy in charge of removing the light bulb from the light fixture we had hanging above the stage area and I forgot to do it on the second night, leaving Ryan to stare up at a perfectly visible bulb, saying “She even took the… oh… no. I guess she left the light bulb.” I only wish I’d done it on purpose, but if Ryan ever reads this, I promise I did not.)

Jump ahead to 2024…

My buddy Joe Evans (who I did a few shows with in those college years) is taking MSU’s Directing for Stage class–I guess for poops and giggles, since I’m pretty sure he’s directed more plays than me already. He asked if I could send him some of my 10 minute plays for consideration of the students. I told him that not only would I send them, but in honor of Madge Dishman, I would not charge any royalties on them. I figured they might pick one or two. Instead, out of the 11 or 12 plays they chose, FIVE of them are mine. It’s practically a Fritzius Festival. Certainly the most of my plays I’ve had in a festival at once.

These will include my short plays, “Job Jar,” “A Tragedy at Ellis Island of Great Personal Significance and Historical Inaccuracy: 1907” (in its premiere production), “Flying Lessons over lunch, with Saint Joseph Cooper Tina” (also in its premiere production), “A Game of Twenty…” and “Aye Do”. It should be noted that Joe Evans is directing “A Game of Twenty…” And “Aye Do” is being directed by David Hintz, who is the youngest son of Melanie Hintz–the same Melanie Hintz who acted in “Wild Sweet William,” the first show I directed nigh on 30 years ago. This fact staggered me more than anything, and yet it took a while for me to even realize it. Like… weeks.

So if you happen to be in the Starkville, Mississippi, area on Monday, April 29 and Wednesday May 1, the directing class play festival will start at 5p, on the McComas Hall main stage, on the campus of MSU. Theatre MSU is also celebrating it’s 60th anniversary this weekend as well, with a production of the musical Pippin.

I’ve even heard a rumor that I might show up. (It’s a rumor I started, so I’m pretty sure it’s true. But, I mean, how could I miss out on my plays being performed on the McComas Hall stage, produced by the very directing class in which I directed my own first show?

Horror 101 with Dr. AC film discussion: THE PHANTASM SERIES

This weekend marks the 45th anniversary of the debut of one of my all time favorite horror movies, Phantasm. I was honored to be asked to be one of the talking heads on a Phantasm panel discussion, courtesy of the Horror 101 with Dr. AC Youtube channel. We cover not only the original Phantasm, but the other four entries in the series as well. Check it out.

You can also subscribe to the audio only version in podcast form via Spotify and all other podcatcher apps.

ACTUAL NEW YEARS EVE CONVERSATIONS HEARD AT OUR HOUSE #23

SETTING: Our house, New Years Eve, `bout 11:30p, as the wife continues to quarantine from COVID upstairs while I have full control of the TV downstairs. She steps out on the landing to see what I’m up to.

THE WIFE– Are you still watching John Wick?

ME– Yes. John Wick 4.

THE WIFE– I thought you already saw that one?

ME– No. That was John Wick 3, last night. This is John Wick 4. And it’s nearly a three hour movie, so it’s not a quick watch.

THE WIFE– Oh.

ME– It has lots of shootin’. And stabbin’. And nunchuckin’.

THE WIFE– Par for the course in a John Wick film, I understand?

ME– Yes.

THE WIFE– Any ninjy whompin’ action?

ME– Yes. Lots of ninjy whompin’ action. And judy chops.

THE WIFE– Well I’m watching a riveting video about diabetes management.

ME– Does it have ninjy whompin’ action?

THE WIFE– None whatsoever. But I think it would be greatly improved with some.

Sightings and Appearances

The Lewisburg Literary Festival is this coming weekend (Aug 4-5) and I will be appearing in the Literary Town Square (Greenbrier CVB) along with several fellow former students of writer Belinda Anderson at a special Belinda’s Kids table.

I will also have the honor of interviewing Kentucky Poet Laureate Silas House on the main stage of Carnegie Hall WV at 3p.

Tickets for all events are free, but you do have to sign up in advance. Find out details at https://www.lewisburgliteraryfestival.com.

ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS HEARD IN THE WEE HOURS AT MY HOUSE #486

(Setting: My bedroom, as the wife and I lay asleep. At some point in the wee hours, I feel her jolt suddenly and hear from her a troubled grunt. Sensing she might be in a nightmare, I reach over and rub her shoulder and back to try and gently wake her from it. Shortly, she stirs and begins to turn over.)

ME– You okay?

THE WIFE– Huh?

ME– Are you all right? You sounded like you were having a nightmare.

THE WIFE– Uh… no. No I wasn’t having a nightmare. I mean, I dreamed I saw a plane crash. But everyone survived.

ME– Oh.

THE WIFE– I was making them nachos.

ME– Well, that’s nice then.

The Brave Knight (audiobook)

The Brave KnightMy latest audiobook collaboration, The Brave Knight, by writer Diane Tarantini and illustrator Jessie Haring, has just been published via Audible and Amazon. The book is an important children’s story that aids parents to introduce heavy topics, such as bullying and abuse, to their children in an engaging and uplifting way. I’m proud to have lent my voice to it, as well as to be able to work directly with Diane on it, who was able to voice her own main character for the book.

Find it at Audible.com and Amazon.com.

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