It is a known fact that many working journalists actually aspire to be anything but.  Usually they fantasize about being best-selling novelists, sitting on their asses, collecting royalty checks and living off the profits of whichever of their works they most recently sold down the river to that great big serial rapist of books we call Hollywood.  Yet the reality of the situation is, they’re still journalists and are still stuck wherever it is they would rather not be stuck. This is why so many of them are cranky and have alcohol problems.   Eventually, many of them get pissed off, leave journalism and become truck-drivers.  And, oddly enough, this is where many of them began.

Before landing their first journalism job, many journalists find they have to drive trucks in order to earn a living.  Such famed journalists as David Brinkley, R. Emmett Tyrel, Bob Woodward, George F. Will, and Connie Chung all got their start driving the big rigs.  (In fact, Connie met her husband, Maury Povich, on such a haul, back when he was just a bar fly in Tulsa.)  You might say that trucking has become something of a rite of passage for the modern American journalist.  Take a look at Cokie Roberts’ music collection you’ll no doubt find a CD by C.W. McCall, or at least a Jerry Reed box set.  If you were to ask Charlie Rose what his favorite film is, odds are he’d say Every Which Way But Loose. And if you asked William Safire his advice for braking on a downgrade, he’d say, without blinking, that you should intermittently apply all of your service brakes in a way that will reduce the speed of your fully loaded vehicle by about 5 or 6 mph during each application. *

Yes, the journalist/trucker’s life can be a lonely one.  All those long hours on the road, dreaming of seeing your by-line in print, and your only company a guy called Edible Steve on Channel 19.  And though it does have a certain Keroakian poetry to it, the prospect can be a dismal one to ponder; even for a pre-trucker like myself.  For, yes, even though I have a degree in journalism, I have only dabbled in journalism over the years.  Oh, sure, I get feature articles published a couple times a year, in a magazine, no less, but a day-by-day grind down at the paper they do not make.  Were I to try and break into real journalism, though, I’d have several years of trucking to look forward to before I could even consider getting stuck at some crummy weekly paper, writing stories about how local socialite Old Man Manning and his wife Fanny Maye are having the Preacher over for lunch, Sunday week.  After that, I’d have at least a decade to go before I could start developing a taste for vodka laced coffee and amphetamines.  Couple more decades after that and I’d be looking to shuck it all to become a truck-driver again.

In the meantime, instead of chronicling the local news, I choose to chronicle some particularly horrible events that have befallen me during my pre-trucker years.

*Maybe it’s time to update my journalist reference examples, as no one younger than 45 has heard of any of these people.

HORRIBLY TRUE MENU

• “The Talkin’, Ayyyym offended, If that IS your Real Name, End of an Era, Friiiiiitz Call Blues”

• The Talkin’ Bruised Coccyx Blues II (NOW UPDATED WITH MORE COCCI!)

• The Talkin’ Bruised Coccyx Blues

• The Talkin’, Crack-Brained, Gravy Incident of Ought Ought, Cast from the Tribe Blues

• The Talkin’, Stuffed in a Winnebago, Can’t Catch No Silvers, Blueberries Out the Yin Yang, Bumping down the Frost Heaves, Grand Lodge Experience, All Gonna End in Tears, 20th Anniversary Horribly True Fan Blues

• The Talkin’ Baby Bunny Burrito Blues

• The Talkin’ Screaming Fire Detector, Step-Ladder Haulin’, High-Pitched Beep, 9 Volt Blues

• The Talkin’ Forgotten ID, Spare Key, Short Term Parking, Tex-Mex Blues

• The Talkin’ New Mailin’ Address, Mailbox Full, Blues

• The Talkin’, Horrible Greedy Jerk Holy Grail, Three aMEGOs, Extra-Accessories, Sit-on-it-Lever, Plastic 401K Blues

• The Talkin’, Bleeding Out the Yard, Snow Covered Meter, Pud Pipes’ Psychic Cornholing, Wade in the Water, Wade in the Water, Children, Fabulous Baker Brothers to the Rescue Blues

• The Talkin’, Chokin’ Prison Sangin’, My Christmas Miracle Blues

• The Talkin’ Penn Station, Train-Trippin’, “Ow My Cocyx!” Hungry Hungry Escalator Blues

• The Talkin’ Milk & Cheese vs. the TSA Blues

• The Talkin’ Selling the House, Gates of Hell, Poo Tank Maintenance, Humiliations and General Grossness, Big Ol’ Grin of Satisfaction, Bad Dog Blues

• The Talkin Sweet Merciful Turd on a Shingle Blues

• The Talkin’ I’ll have a Bloody Mary with a Twist of Skunk Blues

• The Talkin’ I Am Just An Ordinary Guy, Burnin’ Down The House, Blues Part II: Still Burnin’ After All These Years

• The Talkin’ I Can’t Get into Things Without My Magic Keys of Satisfaction Blues

• The Talkin’ Fun With Chase Bank Blues

• The Talkin’ Actual Fantasy Telephone Conversations Not Actually Heard in My House Blues

• The Talkin’ Mystery Poo, Ghost Pirate Plastic Footsteps of Doom Blues

• The Talkin’ Christmas Cracker Dog New Oven Erma Bombeck Blues

• The Talkin’ Christmas Cracker Dog New Oven Erma Bombeck Blues

• The Talkin’ Quests for Rings that Would Give Tolkien the Willies Blues

• The Talkin’ Mole Hole Dish Network Herpatologist Ringing a Neck Blues

• The Talkin’ No Distant Networks Phoning up India Won’t be a Problem Fighting with The Man DIRECTV SUCKS ASS Pooping an Angry Monkey Blues

• The Talkin’ Mount Childless Wonder Mama’s Little baby Loves Ziggurats Emergency Baby-Sitting the Borg Blues

• The Talkin’ Grad-u-mation, Hide the Presents, No Hints, Floral Prints, Stupid Cat Blues

• The Talkin’ Fun-Loving Malibu Juice Blues

• The Talkin’ Hauling Birthdays, Lack of Carrot Cake & Tooters, Mo’ Better Blues

• The Talkin’, Electric Coma, Ghost of the Bent Turd, Three Heaps of Itis Blues

• The Talkin’ Med-School, I Can’t Get Into Things Without My Keys, Furlough from the Crazy Hospital Blues

• The Talkin’ Baked Goob, Toxic Bread Blues

• Horribly True Hate Mail

• The Talkin’ Med-School, Infinitely Bad Seizing Kitty, George Jones’ Devil Nuggets Last Summer Break Ever, Filthy Cat Crate Blues

• The Talkin’ Mystery Anniversary Flight, Waiting for Dubya, Late for Zulu Blues

• The Talkin’ Bad Tech Karma, Idling Chip Fan, Beaver Dispatcher, Further revenge of the Power Ass., Fun with Fed Ex Blues

• The Talkin’ Der Stuka, Joe Factor, Slow Food, Drunken Midget Blues

• The Talkin’ I Am Just An Ordinary Guy, Burnin’ Down The House, (non-Talking Heads version) Blues

• The Talkin’ Nazi Pep Boy, Death of the Bent Turd, Frickin’ Cursive Blues

• The Talkin’ No Cavities, Soakin’ up the Novocain, Tasha Yar and Evil Dr. P Blues

• The Talking Disgruntled, Lost License, DMVictim, Mojo Nixon Blues

• The Talkin’, Gettin’ The Hell Outta Dodge, Big Wuss Cat, Power Ass. Blues Part V

• The Talkin’ Power Ass. Blues Part IV: Revenge of the Ass.! 

• Talkin’ Power Ass. Blues Update: A Horribly True Letter

• The Talkin’ 1998 Festering Hellhole Pot Seed Blues

• The Talkin’ Utter Desperation Bent Turd Blue Tub Blues

• The Talkin’ Power Ass. Blues Part II: The Next Month

• The Talkin’ Power Ass. Blues

• Talkin’ Fire Dept. Cat Scratch Blues