Back in April, I posted here about my then-recent Amazon purchase of a memory foam seat-cushion sold by a company called WAOAW. Said butt-pillow, which had the unwieldly product name of “WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Chair Cushion of Memory Foam for Car Seat Cushion,” arrived with an offer of a $10 Amazon gift card should I happen to give it a 5-star review on both their site and on Amazon. While shilling for the man rubs my journalistic integrity the wrong way, I did actually like the cushion. I was also enchanted by the idea of leaving a tongue-in-cheek review that worked the idea of the payola scheme into the narrative of the review, while also using both the word “coccyx” and the full title of the pillow in the review an unnecessary number of times. That way I could leave an honest review while still stabbing an unscrupulous business in the back. I wrote it up and posted it to WAOAW’s site. Unfortunately, before I could post the review to Amazon itself, the Amazon listing for the cushion mysteriously vanished. I assumed it was because Amazon got wise to WAOAW’s scheme, but who knew? I posted it to Facebook instead.
A few days later, WAOAW wrote me to apologize that their Amazon listing had been pulled and assured me it was because “our link was maliciously attacked and there were some problems.” They said they would have it back up within a week and asked me to please leave my glowing review at that time.
Instead of a week, three months passed before the listing was restored. However, the new listing had a slightly different title. Again, the original was called the “WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Chair Cushion of Memory Foam for Car Seat Cushion.” The new product name had become the “WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Non-Slip Car Seat Cushion for Desk Chair, Memory Foam Coccyx Seat Cushion.” Clearly my work had paid off if they’d added “coccyx” into their title. Their inclusion of coccyx also meant that I would be able to fit a few more cocci into a revised version of my review. I did another polish pass and produced the following:
WAOAW, THAT’S A GOOD CUSHION!
My coccyx has been painin’ me for the last few years. It all stems from the time I fell right on my coccyx and subsequently bruised it while tumbling down an escalator in Penn Station, NYC. (That’s the big apple, to you and me!) Since then, I can’t sit in a chair for more than 7 or 8 hours before my coccyx really starts singing! Especially when I sit in these stinking hard wooden chairs we’ve got all around our dining room table. I think they’re made of some kind of sorebutt wood, or something—pardon my French. My family can tell you that after sitting on one of those for even an hour, when I stand up I have to scream “Ow, my coccyx!” It feels like someone just hauled off and kicked you squar in the dumper, I assure you. My coccyx needed help! I went online to the Amazon to see if I could find me a good coccyx pillow and lo and behold what should I see there but the “WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Non-Slip Car Seat Cushion for Desk Chair, Memory Foam Coccyx Seat Cushion.” First of all, I love the company name, because it reminds me of home just to say it. See I’m from Mississippi and “Waoaw” is how every person from Mississippi pronounce the word “wow.” (Seriously. No funning! We can slip extra syllables into any given word. Well, except for “Mississippi,” which we just call “Misipy.” Don’t know why. That’s just the rule we made.) I liked all the five-star reviews for the WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Non-Slip Car Seat Cushion for Desk Chair, Memory Foam Coccyx Seat Cushion. There were so many of them! Which made me feel like a lot of people have clearly tried this cushion and loved it! Why else would so many people leave so many five-star reviews? A few of them even said it was good for their coccyx pain, too! I decided to order one and give it a whirl. Let me just tell you, this cushion has been a lifesaver for my coccyx! It’s real soft with a velvety cover on it that’s nice to the touch and a polkadotty grippy bottom side that really holds onto a slick wooden chair seat, I can attest. And it’s got a handle on one end for easy carry, but it’s not too heavy if you just want to carry it in your hands like a normal person. When I sat on it for the first time I said “Waoaw!” as my hinder sank into its memory foam layers. Talk about super comfy! It even has a little notch in the back part of it, right where my coccyx can rest without getting yarded on by the cushion itself! And its symmetrical design keeps you level and even, so you never ever feel like you’re leanin’ toward Schronces. My family can tell you that I haven’t screamed “Ow, my coccyx!” even once since I started using the WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Non-Slip Car Seat Cushion for Desk Chair, Memory Foam Coccyx Seat Cushion. If you have problems with your coccyx and if you have sorebutt wood chairs—pardon my French—around your dining table too, I recommend picking up the WAOAW Seat Cushion for Office Chair, Non-Slip Car Seat Cushion for Desk Chair, Memory Foam Coccyx Seat Cushion. Your coccyx will thank you!
I fired this off to Amazon as my five-star review and sat back to see what happened.
Within a few hours, I received an email from Amazon, reading in part: “Thank you for submitting a customer review on Amazon. After carefully reviewing your submission, your review could not be posted to the website. It appears your content did not comply with our guidelines.”
I was furious! How dare they reject my heartfelt review of this miraculous butt-pillow?! On what possible basis could they do such a thing? Everything I said was accur… Okay, ALMOST everything I said was mostly… kind of accurate. Tongue-in-cheek, sure, but almost entirely sorta true. And you can’t object to style, I say.
Naturally, they did not give specifics on how my review did not comply with their guidelines, but instead offered a link to their guidelines and a list of a few common issues to keep in mind, included below with my parenthetical commentary:
Your review should focus on specific features of the product and your experience with it. (Oh, come on! My review totally had specifics about the product and my experience! I mean, I described the velvety covering, the grippy polka-dots, the useless handle, and everything—not to mention how great it makes my hinder feel!)
Feedback on the seller or your shipment experience should be provided at www.amazon.com/hz/feedback. (Wait… so I’m not allowed to even mention the company is called “WAOAW” and how good that makes me feel due to my southern heritage? That’s just geographical bigotry.)
We do not allow profane or obscene content. (What obscene content did I use? Hinder? Sorebutt? Dumper? Coccyx? French?)
Advertisements, promotional material or repeated posts that make the same point excessively are considered spam. (Now now… including the word “coccyx” 16 times does not qualify as excessive repetition. Seventeen, I’ll grant, but I didn’t go there.)
Any attempt to manipulate Community content or features, including contributing false, misleading, or inauthentic content, is strictly prohibited. (False?! Misleading?! INAUTHENTIC? Eh… okay, they probably have me there, but not in the way that they think they do. I maintain my review is entirely accurate, except for the fact that while I did fall and bruise my coccyx in Penn Station a few years ago, and it did pain me for the entire train trip back to West Virginia, and it did cause me to scream “Ow, my coccyx!” at every opportunity during that journey, which did cause my family and fellow passengers to become annoyed with me, the pain itself was completely gone after a week or so. And while my coccyx doesn’t continue to pain me to this day, sitting in a wooden chair for hours does cause my overall wedgie-region to hurt, hence the need for a high-quality, five-star bum-cradle. However, everything else in the review is still on the level.)
In the end, I decided that even though I was still offended by the rejection, and while my review was mostly accurate, Amazon had managed to intuit a general aroma of bull-feces in its tone and that was probably enough to warrant a rejection. I’ll have to make do with just posting my review here.