SETTING: It’s 10 p.m., time for be’bye nite nites and the dogs are dragging tail doing their business outside. Being sleepy, I mistakenly yell at our eldest and whitest dog, Sadie, to get her “brown butt” in the house instead of yelling the same at middle dog Moose, whose butt is genuinely brown. The wife, back in the house, thinks I’m saying something to her.
THE WIFE– Did you say something?
ME– (Entering bedroom) I was telling Sadie to get her brown butt in the house.
THE WIFE– Sadie’s butt is not brown. She doesn’t have any brown on her anywhere. Except her eyes. They’re brown. But they have cloudy gray cataracts.
ME– That’s the worst Lucky Charm ever.
THE WIFE– What?
ME– Cloudy Gray Cataracts are the worst Lucky Charm ever.
(pause)
THE WIFE– What are you talking about?
ME– Y’know…. Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Orange Stars, Green Clovers, Cloudy Gray Cataracts, Blue Diamonds…
(long pause)
THE WIFE– You are an idiot.
ME– Come on, that was a nice piece of business.
THE WIFE– You’re a bad piece of business.