Actual Conversations Heard

Wisdom Dispensed (a.k.a. Actual Conversations Overheard in Bob Evans #28)

SETTING: Bob Evans, where a 60ish father, irritated, offering forceful advice to his son and daughter-in-law, themselves new parents.

FATHER– You know what I think you need to do? You know what I think it is you NEED to do? Okay? Are you ready for me to tell you what it is I think the two of you NEED to do? Here it is… You NEED. TO. DO. SOMETHIN’.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #7 (a.k.a.: Marriage Shorthand Theatre 3000)

*RING*

ME– Hello?

WIFE– (CALLING FROM WORKHey. I need to access my knowledge repository of all things moviewise.

ME– Okay. Lemme get my hat.

WIFE– I need to know the movie with the baby with the red curly hair. It was sort of a sci fi thing. Early 90s. Kind of with the dwarves. Sort of like Time Bandits…

ME– Willow?

WIFE– Yeah, that’s it. Thank you. Bye.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #6

*RING*

ME–
 (ANSWERS PHONE) Hello?

(SILENCE)

ME– Hello?

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Hello?

(PAUSE)

ME– Hello?

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Um, yeah. Mr. Frizzzus?

ME– That’s me.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Hi. This is Matt, with API.

ME– Uh huh.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– We just wanted to call to tell you we’d like to send you a $1000 online gift certificate.

ME– I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have a strict policy here of accepting no solicitation over the phone.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– (PAUSEUm… This isn’t soliciting. (ANOTHER PAUSEUm… what’s soliciting?

ME– Selling things over the phone.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Oh, no. We’re not selling anything. I thought for a minute there you meant soliciting, like on TV shows… you know, like, with hookers.

(SILENCE AS I ALLOW THIS TO SINK IN)

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Uh, hello?

ME– Yeah, um, listen, this still sounds like something I’m not going to be interested in.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER– Oh, no, it’s really great! It’s…

ME– You have a nice day, Matt.

*CLICK*

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